Household Crimes Division

  A Menagerie Morning Report It started as one of those deceptively peaceful village mornings — birds chirping, sun shining, me sipping tea and pretending I’m not melting into the patio slabs like a Victorian ghost with heatstroke. And then… WHUP WHUP WHUP WHUP WHUP A police helicopter sweeps low over the rooftops, blades thundering through the sky like the wrath of an airborne deity. My turkeys — Henry and Junior — go from “gobbling at full volume like two feathered foghorns” to TACTICAL WITHDRAWAL MODE ACTIVATED in under half a second. I have never seen two rotund birds move so fast. They sprint — and I mean S P R I N T — to the back of the garden like feathery ninjas who’ve trained for this exact scenario. They dive into the long grass. They vanish under the thorn trees. They become one with the foliage. Silence descends. Not a peep. Not a gobble. Just the faint sound of two turkeys holding their breath and reconsidering every life choice that led them to this moment. Ten minute...

If you’ve been around the Menagerie long enough, you’ll know I’m not shy about teasing the people in my life — and my physio is no exception. Bless her. She’s brilliant… but she also made me give up caffeine. Yes. Caffeine. Sparkling water. And — brace yourself — energy drinks like Red Bull . I’m still not convinced she didn’t enjoy watching my soul leave my body when she broke the news. She delivered it with the same tone you’d use to tell someone their favourite holiday has been cancelled. And naturally, I gave her grief. Playful grief, but grief nonetheless. I told her she was ruining my joy. I told her she was stealing my personality. I told her she was basically committing a hate crime against tired people. But here’s the thing — and I hate admitting this because it means she was right — it’s actually been good for me. Annoyingly good. Once I stopped sulking and actually listened, I realised how much better my body felt. My sleep improved. My energy stabilised. My muscles stopped...

CASE FILE: SC‑2026‑041‑BARKING‑AT‑NOTHING STATUS: ACTIVE NUISANCE WANTED FOR QUESTIONING WHIPPET (Greyhound — insists she is a whippet) Aliases: “Whippet,” “Oi‑Stop‑That,” “Tree‑Inspector,” “The Confused One” CHARGES INCLUDE: Daily harassment of The Big Tree Repeated barking at non‑existent squirrels Attempted re‑apprehension of imaginary suspects Disturbing the peace of the woodland community Identity confusion (greyhound pretending to be a whippet) DESCRIPTION: Tan‑coloured Long legs, longer delusions Pink collar with tag reading WHIPPET Frequently seen standing on hind legs , shouting into branches Displays intense but misguided determination Brain capacity: under review LAST SEEN: At the base of the Big Tree, performing her morning ritual of: Skidding dramatically Staring upward with conviction Barking for five minutes straight Ignoring all evidence that the squirrel moved on months ago SQUIRREL COMMUNITY WARNING: Approach with caution. Whippet is not dangerous, merely enthusias...

  Case #SC‑2026‑041 Subject: Whippet (Greyhound, answers only to “Whippet”) Reporting Officer: Sgt. Nutters Division: Woodland Behavioural Monitoring Unit Location: The Big Tree by the Footpath Status: Ongoing Surveillance Background Following the original incident in which Whippet briefly apprehended a squirrel citizen and immediately dropped said citizen due to cognitive overload, the Squirrel Constabulary has continued monitoring her behaviour at the scene. The squirrel involved delivered a severe verbal reprimand before ascending the tree and disappearing. No further contact has been made. Current Observations (as of latest patrol) Upon arrival at the Big Tree, Whippet: Approached the tree at high speed, nearly skidding into the trunk. Rose onto her hind legs, stretching upward as though attempting to arrest the tree itself. Barked repeatedly into the branches, despite zero squirrel presence . Displayed intense focus, tail activity described as “erratic but enthusiastic.” ...

  Some dogs are clever. Some dogs are dignified. And some dogs — like Whippet, Martin’s greyhound who refused to answer to anything except “Whippet” — live in their own little universe with its own rules, logic, and questionable life choices. Her defining moment happened on an otherwise uneventful morning walk. Whippet, all legs and enthusiasm, spotted a squirrel. In a burst of improbable grace, she actually caught it. For one glorious second she stood there, squirrel in mouth, eyes wide, clearly thinking: “Oh dear. I didn’t think this through.” So she dropped it. The squirrel was outraged . It unleashed a furious woodland rant — squeaking, scolding, tiny paws flailing like it was filing a formal complaint with the universe. Then it shot up a nearby tree and vanished. Whippet, however, never forgot. From that day on, every single morning — rain, frost, blazing sun — she would sprint straight to that tree. She’d skid to a halt, stare up into the branches with absolute conviction, ...

  Lisa Davis‑Isaacs is the Menagerie Matriarch — an author, illustrator, and unwilling participant in the daily nonsense committed by her household animals. Born in Barbados and now living in a Nottinghamshire village that did not sign up for this level of drama, Lisa writes books fuelled entirely by real crimes committed under her own roof. Her cast includes: Miles , a Beagle–Pointer with the moral compass of a raccoon in a bin; Guinness , a Labrador who panics if a leaf moves; Sanjay , a pure black goth cat who judges everyone professionally; and The Poultry Mafia , led by Houdini, who escapes more often than Lisa sleeps. When she’s not writing, Lisa volunteers with the British Red Cross — which is the calm part of her week. The rest of her time is spent preventing poultry uprisings, confiscating stolen household items, and explaining to Miles why “interpretive chaos” is not a lifestyle. Her stories celebrate the comedy, catastrophe, and feather‑powered foolishness of living wi...

  The Mayhem Menagerie Monthly — Issue 001 July 2026 Welcome to the very first official issue of The Mayhem Menagerie Monthly ! July has already delivered feathers, fur, gobbling, plotting, and at least one supernatural hallway haunting. Between writing, wrangling, and wondering how many animals can live in one house before it becomes a legally recognised organisation, the Menagerie is in full chaotic bloom. Grab a cup of tea and let’s dive in. 🐔 Book News Chaos Untold (Book 2) is officially out on Amazon and already causing trouble. The website now includes a shiny Buy It Now button, plus updated details for all current releases. Meanwhile, the first children’s book in the Houdini Mini Series is nearly ready to fly the coop. Expect mischief, charm, and Houdini doing what Houdini does best: investigating the mysterious disappearance of breakfast. Release target: 5 July . 🥚 Sneak Peek: Houdini & the Vanishing Breakfast Houdini takes centre stage this month as the star of h...